Kristine
We all have that one embarrassing memory that our friends and family just refuse to let us forget. Maybe you accidentally called your boss “Mom,” tripped in front of someone you were trying to impress, or your jeans ripped in an unfortunately public location. These humiliating moments, while mortifying at the moment, seem to be prime material for jokes from your best friends and siblings. The most treasured people in your life might have a tendency to communicate with you through constant ribbing, teasing, and playful insults.
If you stop to think about this strange human phenomenon, it makes no sense. Why would we purposefully bring up embarrassing memories, point out personal flaws, and continuously mock the ones we love the most?
Psychology may be able to provide the answer.
Possible Functions of Roasting Others
Evolutionary psychologist Jesse Marczyk, Ph.D. has been fascinated by the odd tendency for close-knit groups to “roast” each other about everything from their appearance to their personal vices to their relationship status. In an article published in Psychology Today, Marczyk theorizes that the act of insulting our loved ones may occur for a few different reasons, such as:
- Attempting to strengthen the relationship. People often use humor as a way to diffuse tense situations, improve their own image, or show others that they don’t take life too seriously. A well-timed joke aimed at your best friend can encourage the other person to come up with their own comeback, creating fun banter that serves to strengthen the bonds of their relationship.
- Establishing equal social standings. If your best friend just earned an incredible promotion, graduated from college, or announced their engagement, they’re often subjected to more teasing than usual. Marczyk explains that friendly insults help ensure that our friends don’t start to think of themselves too highly. “If one friend begins to see major changes to their life in a positive direction, the other friend may no longer be able to offer the same value they did previously,” writes Marczyk. “It’s an indirect way of trying to ensure the high-status friend doesn’t begin to think he’s too good for his old friends.”
- Safely expressing vulnerable emotions. According to The Relationship Institute, it can be difficult to be completely open and honest about the way we feel, even with the people closest to us. Using humor can be a way to show our love and affection without addressing these feelings directly. Alternatively, mean-spirited insults can also mask the speaker’s true emotions. For instance, The Relationship Institute explains, “Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.”
What to Do When Insults Go Too Far
Although playful insults among loved ones are usually meant to be taken as harmless jokes, there can be a fine line between a particularly clever comeback and a stinging criticism. Ashley Thorn, a licensed marriage and family therapist emphasizes that you should establish boundaries if a certain insult goes too far. If you find more harm than humor in your friends’ comments, here are a few ways to preserve the relationship while respecting your own emotions:
- Be assertive. “Don’t blame the person or demean them,” Thorn explains. “Instead, you clearly and specifically communicate that their criticism is hurtful to you, or that you don’t appreciate it.” A simple explanation and a request for them to stop is often enough reason for a person to apologize and refrain from repeating similar things.
- Give feedback. Sometimes, we don’t always appreciate our loved ones trying to give us advice or “constructive criticism;” instead, we simply want someone to listen to us vent about our problems. In these situations, let people know up front that you just need a listening ear. Most people will be happy to oblige.
- Remind yourself of your own worth. It hurts the most when someone we cherish says something particularly harsh or cruel, even if they may not truly mean what they said. It’s important to remember that, although everyone can improve in certain areas, it’s alright to not be perfect.
While there’s no need to stop playfully teasing your best friend or joking with your family it is important to be aware of everyone’s boundaries. So joke and tease away, just make sure everyone is in on the joke.
